I just wanted to explain why I haven’t been posting much. I’m still a writing tutor at a local college and I have remained stable thank god! I’m also working on a memoir to share my struggle with mental illness. I try to be as productive as I can while I’m well enough. I still get nervous when I have an off day, but I seem to get myself back on track. I don’t let myself fall into that pit of doom. It’s much easier to cling to the edges and lift myself to level ground than to climb out from the deep dark bottom.
I did have a recent scare when I ran out of Ativan on a Friday and couldn’t get a refill until late Tues. afternoon. I experienced severe withdrawal within 24 hours and it was the worst three days of my life. My head felt like it was being pressed in a vice with no release. Much worse than a migraine and I’ve suffered from debilitating migraines for as long as I can remember. I had extreme nausea, tremors, chills, sweats, vomiting–you name it! The worst part was the restlessness and fatigue from my relentlessly spinning brain. I literally watched each minute pass that brought me closer to filling that prescription. I now have a better appreciation for what drug addicts endure and why so many return to their drug of choice. After all, I I am also addicted to drugs. Not by choice, but the reason for addiction doesn’t alter that addiction. I hate relying on all those chemicals to maintain stability, but now is not the time to change the recipe. I worry about the damage all these drugs are causing my body, but it’s the lesser of two evils.
Perhaps someday I will take fewer drugs, but I can’t risk any changes. My family needs me and I don’t ever want to return to that crippling state of depression. So if my mental health comes at the cost of my physical health, so be it. As we all know, when the mind isn’t right, not much else matters.