Ahhhhhh…Finally relief for more than just one day! I’m really hoping that I can maintain this stability. I’m mostly content, I’m accepting some of the limitations of my illness, I’ve left a stressful job in a toxic environment, I’m challenging my negative thoughts, and I enjoy my new job as an adjunct instructor and writing tutor. I’m shifting my priorities, I’m taking time for myself, and I’m avoiding negative people and influences. I’m not always successful, but at least I am making a conscious effort to make positive changes. Really, I have no other choice. I just couldn’t continue to live my life as it was. I know it will take time and effort to build my confidence and maintain my health, but I do not want to sink to the pits of hell desperately hanging onto a delicate strand of life.
Because of the fickle nature of mental illness, I have learned to treasure each day I can function as a productive and positive wife, mom, daughter, friend, teacher, etc. Sadly, I know there will be low days, even periods of time, but I will do all within my power to remain stable. Though leaving the most stressful and negative influence on my life (my job as a tenured English teacher of 17 years) was difficult, once I broke those ties and found a positive replacement, my health started to improve. I cannot emphasize enough how critical it is to reduce stress and other negative influences, especially when battling mental illness. I didn’t want to accept that I could no longer do a job I have done for twenty years. I didn’t want to leave a place in which I had devoted 15 years of my time, love, and energy. I gave my best. It wasn’t enough. It was time to find a place where I could be successful and I would be supported and treated with respect. Once I revealed my disability and requested accommodations, my career there was finished. I really believed that they wanted to help me and valued me as a veteran teacher and former drama director, mentor, and dedicated employee. While they assured me I had their support, they just targeted me and informed me of all the things I wasn’t doing. It was disgusting and quite frankly I don’t miss it at all. I love teaching but I was at the wrong place with the wrong people. I often wonder why I stayed so long. I guess it was all I knew and I had hope the situation would improve. However, as the years passed, the job only got worse and there was nothing I could do to salvage it. I had become complacent and fear controlled me. Then I ended up sick and it has taken me 3 years to reach this point of acceptance.
I will never allow myself to be treated that way again. Happiness and success will not come to you. You must find a way to create your own happiness and success. And with depression that is no easy task. It requires an ungodly amount of persistence, patience, and strength.
I hope that anyone who reads this update will be encouraged to keep fighting. Focus on the one thing that has kept you going to this this point. Know that it will get better. Never lose hope.
Hiding in the Spotlight 